by Robert Scocchi
| Published
The phrase “direct-to-video” is usually associated with low-budget projects that cannot secure a wide theatrical release. Most of the time, this is the correct logic to follow. However, there is one 1996 film that defies all logic called Theodore Rex – A $33.5 million buddy-cop sci-fi thriller starring Whoopi Goldberg and the eponymous anthropomorphic dinosaur portrayed with gusto by George Newbern (Father of the bride).
Although I'm usually a big fan of “so bad it's good” titles, Theodore Rex It's one of those movies that will puzzle me until I'm on my deathbed. Furthermore, I feel like New Line Cinema is aware of this fact, which is why you can't find this movie on any My neighbor platform as of this writing.
Futuristic dino detectives?
Theodore Rex Don't waste any time insulting your intelligence with a Star Wars-style exposition bar at the beginning of the movie that tells you everything you need to know:
There's a clumsy but lovable dinosaur named Theodore Rex who wants to become a detective, a disgraced and cruel future cop named Katie Coltrane (Whoopi Goldberg) who is tasked with solving a murder case with said dinosaur against her will in order to get her badge back, and a crime scene involving a dead dinosaur that leads to a major conspiracy about… An evil billionaire named Eleazar Kane (Armin Müller-Stahl) who wants to use fish DNA to usher in a new ice age for reasons.
Confusing character design
The most frustrating part about Theodore Rex It is her character design. I'll be the first to admit that walking, talking dinosaur puppets look cool for a mid-90s whatever-the-hell movie, but their personalities make absolutely no sense, and seem to have been created for the sole purpose of making the audience giggle at the screen while saying ” Haha, this is so random!”
For example, Theodore Rex has an automatic cookie launcher in his penthouse apartment when he wants a snack. Let's unpack this for a moment because our dinosaur detective hero is low on his PR career, and only that He aspires Being a cop in the first semester.
How can Theodore Rex afford this lifestyle, and why does he love cookies so much?
What does he do on the side to get a seemingly endless supply of white chocolate macadamia nut cookies ready in an apartment so huge that even… Freezer Will Crane be jealous of his living situation? Is this cookie shooter specially designed? At least we know that his massive tail-capacity truck was purchased with taxpayer money, but I have no compelling reason to believe that Theodore Rex has “cookie shooter money” in any way.
And also Theodore, as well as the rest of the dinosaurs that integrated into society after they were created by evil, They have all decided that they no longer want to be meat-eaters, for reasons that are never fully explained. If I had to hazard a guess, this feature was created for the sole purpose of making the dinosaurs in this universe a little weirder.
Whoopi Goldberg didn't want to be there
During a 2015 interview with Folha de São Paulo, Whoopi Goldberg She didn't mince words when she said she didn't want to play the lead Theodore Rex. In fact, producer Richard Gilbert Abramson filed a $20 million lawsuit against Goldberg when she tried to back out of production of the film after she allegedly reached a verbal agreement to play Katie Coltrane in 1992. After settling the matter out of court, Goldberg reluctantly agreed to move on. . Moving forward with the project, but her disdain is evident in every frame.
There's no punchline in it Theodore Rex It's not accompanied by a look of apprehension on Goldberg's face as if to say, “I can't believe I'm saying those words out loud.” It's also not revealed until the third act that Katie Coltrane is part cyborg, which doesn't benefit the plot in any way except the fact that it explains why she wanders around listlessly – like a drugged cat following a laser pointer – throughout most of the action. The movie. Part of me wonders if this revelation was simply added to the script to explain the lack of soul in Goldberg's movements and line delivery.
Whoopi Goldberg The star was paid $7 million Theodore Rex.
It's okay if you want to pass this on
Theodore Rex It's not available anywhere via streaming, which may be to humanity's advantage. Humanity is over-stimulated by endless technological innovations, multiple wars, economic distress, famine, corruption, advertising, get-rich-quick schemes, and a sense of political division that will likely get worse before things get better. For most people, they sit down and watch Theodore Rex As a means of escaping the horrors of modern life it may be the very thing that pushes them over the edge.
I also mourn the 92 minutes of my time I devoted to it Theodore RexAll hope is not lost. I watched this movie so you don't have to. But if you're a glutton for punishment, you'll probably find every copy of this film at the bottom of a decades-old tar pit, where it belongs.
