Allison Holker reads Steven 'tWitch' Boss's diary after his death

Allison Holker I found closure after the pair Stephen “tWitch” BossDeath by reading his journals.

“He was wrestling with a lot inside himself, and he was trying to self-medicate and deal with all those feelings because he didn't want to put them on anyone because he loved everyone so much,” Holker, 36, said. the people On Tuesday, January 7th. “He didn't want others to bear his pain.”

Holker revealed that Boss alluded to being sexually abused by a male character during his childhood in the entries. “Reading Stephen’s diaries, and even going back to the books he read and the things he would highlight and highlight, really gave me a better perspective on where he was in life and the kind of things he was struggling with,” she said. “It made me feel so much compassion for him and sadness for all the pain he was carrying.”

While preparing for Boss's funeral, Holker also… He discovered his secret drug addiction.

“I was with one of my dear friends, and we were cleaning out the closet and picking out clothes for him for the funeral,” Holker said of the “abundance” of drugs including mushrooms, pills and “other substances” she had in her possession. To search for them after finding them hiding in Boss's shoeboxes. “It was a really exciting moment for me because there were a lot of things I discovered in our closet that I didn't know existed.”

Holker found it “very disturbing” but allowed her to do so Find clarity after the death of a president.

“There was a lot going on that I had no idea about,” she continued. “It was a really scary moment in my life to find out, but it also helped me come to terms with what he was going through so much and was hiding so much, and there must have been a lot of shame in that.”

president, He is best known for his all-star appearances on So you think you can dance And as a regular DJ The Ellen DeGeneres ShowHe died by suicide in December 2022 at the age of 40.

“It is with great sadness that I must share that my husband Stephen has left us. Stephen lit up every room he entered,” Holker said in a statement at the time. “He valued family, friends and community above all else, and leading with love and light was everything to him. “He was the backbone of our family, the best husband and father, and an inspiration to his fans.”

She continued: “To say he left a legacy would be an understatement, and his positive impact will continue to be felt. I am sure that not a day will go by without us honoring his memory. We ask for privacy during this difficult time for myself and especially for our three children. Stephen, we love you, we miss you, and I will always reserve the last dance for you.

Holker, who participated Son Maddox, 8, and daughters Wesley, 16, and Zaya, 5. With Boss, she reflects on their nine-year marriage and her healing journey in her upcoming memoir, “This Far.”

“It was really hard to put all the pieces together. Through some of the discussions, even with friends and things that were said, through reading his diaries… you realize that he went through a lot as a child and never faced that. “It's hard to think that he never opened up to someone He wanted to confront it and come out to the other side. I really hope people who are dealing with the same thing will help themselves come out of the shadows and (know) that you will be okay.

If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 or chat on 988lifeline.org. If you or someone you know is struggling with substance abuse, contact the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (Samhsa) National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357).