It's been a long time since I've felt this uncomfortable.
I spent an empty afternoon last week and saw Speak no evil (Trailer here), a horror/thriller film about a family who goes to visit another couple they met on vacation.
and ShockinglyThings are not going as expected.
If you see Episode “Dinner Party”. The office Where Jim and Pam go to Michael and Jan's house for… The most annoying house party ever And think about yourself…
“What if this was a two-hour horror movie instead?”
…That's basically the plot Speak no evil.
This film is based on a 2022 European film of the same name, so naturally I wanted to watch it as well. And boy, that version was even more depressing and shocking.
This movie has some great commentary on relationships, masculinity and even parenting…
But here's why I felt uncomfortable on Speak No Evil:
This film asks: “How many of our boundaries are we willing to cross to keep the peace and not hurt someone's feelings?”
I'm always joking How many people avoid conflicts Me too, which means this movie shook me to my core:
Which brings me to the point of today's newsletter!
Feeling guilty and making excessive mistakes
My father was raised Episcopalian (a form of Christianity), while my mother was raised Catholic. My mother always joked that the Episcopal faith was “like Catholicism, but without the guilt!”
So we went to the Episcopal Church when we were kids.
Despite this, I managed to get by All Catholic guilt!
I will bend over backwards to keep the peace. I will do everything in my power not to offend. I will overcommit, and I will put myself in extremely frustrating situations, simply because I don't know how to set healthy boundaries.
In short, I wouldn't have done well at it Speak no evil.
I thought this was just me being nice, but I realized it was something different.
I was so disrespectful to myself and my well-being!
Over the years, I've learned to create and enforce healthy boundaries. Not just to protect myself from others, but to protect myself… from myself.
I have a hunch that there are a fair number of people reading this newsletter who are also people pleasers, burned out, and feeling overcommitted right now.
If this is you, I have a truth that is hard to hear.
The solution to burnout isn't a yoga retreat
When we feel overwhelmed, too busy, and overwhelmed, we think the solution lies in a very specific form of self-care:
- Escape: We just need a massage, a “digital detox,” or a retreat.
- Achievement: We just need to work Harder In the gym!
- Improvement: If only we had a more optimized schedule!
The problem is that all of these solutions treat the symptoms, not the root cause.
As pointed out in Anne Helen Peterson's book I can't even:
“You can't fix burnout by going on vacation. You can't fix it with 'life hacks' like zero inbox, or using a meditation app for five minutes in the morning, or making a Sunday meal for the whole family, or starting a journal. No You can fix it by reading a book on how to “deconstruct yourself.”
The problem can't be solved with a vacation, an adult coloring book, “worry bread,” the Pomodoro technique, or overnight oats.
I also share in my article about Self-care problemsThe solution is not found in a yoga studio or on a deserted beach, nor is it found in a magazine or meditation app.
The solution requires us to have an uncomfortable conversation with ourselves.
We need to put on our own oxygen mask first before we can help others.
Boundaries protect against burnout
We people-pleasers spend most of our time keeping the peace and meeting everyone's needs, and we rarely think about our own.
This is how we find ourselves overcommitted, unable to do the things we want or need to do, and likely to resent having our generosity taken for granted.
The problem?
It's not anyone else's responsibility to set our boundaries.
We must prove it, explain it, and protect it.
This is where boundaries come in.
Boundaries are healthy because they allow us to actually think our Also needs. Something I haven't thought about for a long time. I bet there are a lot of amazing moms and dads on this newsletter list who haven't also taken into account their own needs long time.
This doesn't mean that we need to suddenly become “I'm the only thing that matters,” but rather that we need to address the fact that our feelings and needs are valid, and we have to take care of ourselves if we're going to also take care of others.
As Dr. Lakshmin V. points out, True self-care:
“To practice true self-care, you must be willing to make yourself vulnerable — whether that means having uncomfortable conversations to set boundaries or making a clear, intentional choice to prioritize one aspect of your life over another.”
This is your challenge for today:
Say no to one thing you're currently saying yes to out of obligation or guilt.
Set these boundaries for your well-being and mental health.
Yes, this will require you to rely on those around you, and you may even *GASP* disappoint someone!
Especially if they are used to saying yes to everything all the time.
I promise you that their reaction is not your responsibility to manage.
One last reminder I had to take in: “No” is a complete sentence.
We can't travel through time, which means the only solution to burnout is to put fewer things on our plate.
This requires us to set boundaries to protect ourselves…from ourselves.
I'd love to hear what boundaries you set, so hit reply and let me know!
-Steve
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