Last week, I flew to Massachusetts to visit my 94-year-old grandmother in the hospital.
Let me tell you about this amazing woman.
Barbara, Aunt Bee, or Gramma to us grandkids, was born in 1930 to first-generation Newfoundlanders.
(No wonder I love music Alan Doyle (and The great big sea), it's in my DNA!)
Gramma has been a preschool teacher for 22 years and has been an active member of her community her entire life. She was an accomplished quilter and helped launch several quilting initiatives over the years. I volunteered for the Council on Aging. She often drove for Meals on Wheels as well, “delivering meals to the elderly” (as she calls it), which she did well into her 80s!
During my previous visits to Massachusetts, I would stop by Gramma's for the afternoon, habitually check my phone, and often get distracted by some unimportant practical thought occupying my mind. I think I've known her my whole life, and I've had this thought, “Gramma has always been here, Gramma will always be here.”
Fortunately, I found an ancient Japanese concept that helped me recognize and correct this pattern. He has allowed all my recent visits with Gramma to be very different.
Ichi-go Ichi-e A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
There is a concept dating back to 17th-century Japanese tea ceremonies called ichi-go ichi-e:
This translates to: “One time, one meeting.”
It is a reminder for us to cherish and embrace every once-in-a-lifetime moment. No matter how many times we do something or see someone, that is only The time when it will really happen From here, in This moment.
This concept can remind us to be more present.
- Instead of checking our phones, we can focus on the person or task in front of us.
- Instead of worrying about tomorrow or zoning out, we can be here now.
- Instead of going through the motions, we can be more intentional in our behavior.
I've thought a lot about Japanese Zen philosophy over the past few years (See my article on wabi-sabi), and this concept of ichi-go ichi-e has stuck with me as well.
Which brings me to my trips to visit Gramma this summer.
I stopped worrying about the future or ruminating about the past, put my phone down and just sat with her.
She treated every visit as if it were only The time I will get that reaction.
I asked her questions about her childhood. I learned that she spent a few summers living in a tent without running water or electricity, while her father built their house with his own hands. How much is it? I loved it.
She told me about her teenage years Including the time she snuck out of the house, got caught, and had to sit at the foot of her parents' bed until sunrise.
I learned more about my grandfather. She even shared photos of her wedding that I've never seen before:
I also found some pictures of me and her from back in the day!
This was my favorite:
I returned to Nashville last month, unsure when (or if) I would see her again.
It still feels different. I connected with Gramma more deeply in a few visits than I probably have in the past ten years combined.
Which brings me to this last week in the hospital.
Gramma community
Last week, my brother and I drove to visit Gramma in the hospital every day.
Every day, a revolving door of guests came to check on her:
Her nieces and nephews. My uncle and father. My sister and my mother (who just had surgery!). Her grandchildren. Her best friend's son. Her friend Anne. Friends of the Council on Aging. Fellow candidates. People from her church.
At one point, there were 10 of us visiting at the same time, and it turned into an absolute party.
I was in awe of this woman and the number of lives she impacted.
If there's one clear sign of a good life, it's being surrounded by people who love you. She was a selfless Gram for most of her life, and I was amazed and inspired by the number of people who dropped everything to come and spend time with her, swap stories and keep her company.
Despite the circumstances, she still has a sense of humor, too:
The first time she opened her eyes and saw me, she smiled and said: I remembered another story! Then she told me about the time she “borrowed” a car, even though she didn't yet have a driver's license, to drive around the streets of Boston to track down her boyfriend.
While speaking on the phone with her 94-year-old brother-in-law, she asked him, “How are you, old man?”
When the doctor asked, “Are you feeling better today?” She replied, “Better than what!”
I felt that spending time with Gramma and all the people from different parts of her life was the best possible use of my time. I love the community around her, and I am constantly moved to tears by the love so many people have for her.
This point was driven home by my “neighbor” at Grama Hospital…
Live intentionally
Gramma's hospital is located right next to Walden Lake, the same pond made famous by Henry David Thoreau in his book Walden.
One day, after visiting Gramma, I took a quiet walk around its perimeter, watching the sunset light dance through the trees.
(The Japanese have a word for this too, called “komorebi.”)
Then I read the sign bearing Thoreau's most famous reflection:
“I went into the woods because I wanted to live slowly, to face only the essential facts of life, and see whether I might learn what life had to teach me, and not discover, when I died, that I had not lived.” “.
Thoreau retreated into solitude to discover what was most important to him.
Gramma went the other way, prioritizing what was most important to her: family, friends, and community.
Two different scenarios, the end result is the same:
Choose to live intentionally.
I have no plans to move into the woods and live simply, but I think I've done my best to live more intentionally over the past few years.
Specifically, reprioritizing what's most important to me as well: friends, family, and community.
All we have to do is decide…
A few years ago, Gramma presented my brother, sister, and I with three of her favorite handmade quilts.
“I was going to give these things to your grandchildren after I die, but I want to give them to you now so we can enjoy this moment together.”
She took the time to explain the meaning behind each quilt and why we chose it for each of us. I'm so grateful she did this, rather than waiting to hear about these beautiful quilts after she passed away.
When I visited Gramma this summer, I discovered that she had printed my article About my grandfather, her husband who died. I hoped to make Grumpy proud, but I realized that I was never able to tell him how much I learned from him before he died.
That's why I'm writing this article now to make sure she knows how much she's taught me. I am very proud of Gramma and appreciate that I have had the opportunity to learn from her for 40 years (and counting!).
(I got a text from my dad yesterday telling me that he read this draft to her in the hospital and she loved it. Mission accomplished!)
I sure hope Gramma gets better and can go home. After all, she told her friend Lori, “I'm not done yet!”
But I also know that this is not for us to decide.
As Gandalf tells Frodo Fellowship of the Ring:
“All we have to decide is what we will do with the time we have.”
I hope Gramma and Thoreau inspire you to live more intentionally:
- If you are ready to put your phone down And be present with the people in front of you, life can seem richer.
- If you are willing to prioritize what is truly important Instead of things trying to steal your attention, you'll never go wrong with the choices you make.
- If you can find a way to focus on the important people in your lifeThey'll still be a part of it when she's 94.
Finally remember, no matter what you do today, this is the only time this moment will happen.
Act accordingly.
-Steve
note: If you want a thought-provoking film about presence and Ichi-Go Ichi-E, I highly recommend Wim Wenders Perfect days.
